Ten Rules for Dating My Son

Someone on the local Craigslist did one about dating their daughter which was quite humorous so I thought I'd throw out some rules of my own.

1. Dress Appropriately in my Presence. I am the Queen of my house. Therefore you will not be presented to me dressed like a pole dancer. Wear your best church clothes. If you don't know what those are, dress the opposite of Paris Hilton.

2. No Piercings. If anything other than your ears are pierced, I had better not see it. Yes, I know why people pierce their tongues and it has nothing to do with speech improvement. If you're some skanasarous with piercings everywhere, I will tell my son to drop you off where he found you. Oh and he'll listen otherwise he'll get cut out of the will. I have no problem leaving everything to some obscure charity.

3. Abortion, Adoption or Child Support. Should you think that getting knocked up is a trip on the gravy train, I have no problem recommending any of the three to my idiotic child. Trust me when I say that paying your dumb ass child support for 18 years is far better than him marrying you and supporting you forever. I recommend getting married (the first time) at 30. By then, both parties should have their heads out of their asses.

4. I Will Do a Background Check. That's right, Sunshine, I'll talk to everyone who ever knew you from the time your wore Huggies until now. If I don't get a, "She's a candidate for sainthood," report, you are out the door. Again, he'll listen 'cause poverty sucks.

5. I Am Not Your Friend. Do not call me by my first name. Do not say, "Yeah...um...no...um..." Ma'am is not required but will earn you extra points. Consider me the Mama Bear protecting her cubs. Mama bears are not to be trifle with lest we rip you from limb to limb. Approach us with caution and respect and no one loses an arm.

6. Dumb Does Not Get You Anywhere. I'm not saying my sons need to date rocket scientists but if you know more about, "The Bachelor," "American Idol," and "Oprah," than you do current events, then we have a problem. Yes, I will quiz you. I will audition you and make Simon Cowell look like Mary Poppins. I will not tolerate a dumb bimbo no matter how cute she looks. Cute wears off, stupidity lasts forever.

7. Your Parents Better Impress Me. Oh they don't need to be rich or snobs but if they have a single wide they're real proud of then I'm thinking you are out of your league. Seriously, one of the best quotes out of Gone With the Wind was when Scarlet was whining about not marrying Ashley and her dad was telling her that it was a good thing he wasn't marrying her. Said Pa O'Hara, "Like must marry like or there will be no happiness." 'Tis true. My sons are spoiled rotten little prima donas. Their idea of roughing it is a 3 star hotel. That whole, "girl from the wrong side of the tracks," worked in Pretty in Pink. However, it's highly unlikely here.

8. Have Some Ambition. No, getting married and having a passel of kids while my son works his butt off all day is not what I'm talking about. You'll want a career. You'll want to do something with your life other than breed. I don't care if you're an accountant, IT guru, or a classical pianist but you better have a piece of paper from a 4 year college with your name on it.

9. Don't Be a Bitch. That's my job and I'm not giving it up. Do not nag my son or dictate what clothes he should wear. No, I'm not buying him Abercrombie clothes. Get over it. Do not boss him around. You haven't earned that right and if I see you doing it, you're likely to get a swift kick in the ass for your effort.

10. I Don't Have to Consent to the Wedding. But I can make it the worst event in the history of weddings if you piss me off. If you are lucky enough to snare my son into marrying you, I better have some input. Otherwise, things could suddenly start happening. Things like your dress order being cancelled or the cake getting dropped or the invitations not getting mailed....you know, STUFF.