Stuff I Can't Make Up

From CraigsList (I've highlighted the really good parts. The fact that she's now Lutheran should explain to you my problems with the church.)

I am looking for a forever marriage partner. We need to be compatable in 5 areas. I think that this can be achieved in under 3 months of our dating relationship. I will not drag a relationship out past 3 months without commitment. My ring size is 8.

1. Religion / Spirituality The husband is the spiritual leader of the home. I need you to have a strong Christian faith & attend church at least a couple of times each month, maybe even a couple of times some weeks. I was saved as a child & water baptized in my college days. I go to a Lutheran church, but have gone to Baptist, Southern Baptist, Nazarene, Menonite, Penticostal, non-denominational, and several other denominations. I'm open to any Evangelical Christian denomination that you attend. I will be there at your side, actively participating in Bible study and church service, and I will gladly participate in couples & ladies activities at church & in private homes. I enjoy Apologetic debate because I am very well indoctrinated in several Christian denominations. I do dress up for Halloween. It is my favorite holiday because it is my one day to share the Gospel with the kids coming to my door. I believe in angels and their powers. You may want to ask me more about religious stuff later.

2. Physical Attraction A good wrestling match, as I call it, is what I am looking for. I'd like you to be similar in size & age to me. I realize that some young guys like older women, so you are also welcome to reply if you like what you see. I am 42 years old, 5'7" barefoot & around 200-210 lbs. I would prefer that you are within 3 in. shorter of my height up to 9 in. taller. There needs to be some physical attraction, so I expect a pic of you that includes your face & hair-do. Your tattoos, if you have any, need to be able to be covered up when dressed. I have no tattoos, and never will want any. I'm not into piercings at all. There are no extra holes in me. If you color your hair, I want to know what the original color was. My hair will soon be dyed blond. My hair is natural light brown. I naturally have very little body hair. I only shave my lower legs & arm pits.

3. Emotional / Romantic Let's talk about falling in love. It may or may not happen instanteneously. It may take a few dates. For starters, you need to open the doors, pay for the meal, pay for the movie, etc. Chivalry is not completely dead! I expect to be treated as a lady & I expect you to act like a complete gentleman. Come sweep me off my feet & woo me! I prefer live flowers, I'm not into chocolates, and candles are not all that enjoyable to me. Back massages are great! Let's hold hands & talk. Let's watch a movie at home. Let's stare at the stars in the night sky. Let's walk across a bridge. Let's pick wild flowers. Let's watch the bird at the park & have a picnic. Let's ride rollercoasters! Let's go for a short walk downtown together. Let's go get ice cream. Let's have fun!

4. Conversation / Intellectual We need to be able to talk about anything & everything! You having a high IQ would be a bonus! I would appreciate a good intellectual match. I do have gifted children. They will appreciate a bright step-dad! Let's talk about food. I'm a very good cook, but what I cannot fix easily I just simply go out to eat to enjoy. I can fix most any typical home cooked meal. I am severely alergic to oat, while egg yolk & milk just disagrees with me. Let's talk about occupation & education. I am a biochemist by education, but I'm 12 years out of the loop. I am job hunting, so this means I have a lot of time to devote to dating you. I have mostly worked fast food & chemistry before children. Since the legal separation, I have worked as a security officer & at a fast food joint. Since the divorce, I worked as a nanny & at a call center. Let's talk about medical / physical / mental / health problems & issues. I am recovering from left leg trauma, but I get around & walk pretty good. My left leg was run over 3 1/2 years ago in a freak accident. I am otherwise in excellent health. I am only missing 1 tooth, as I was a poor teenager & I could not afford to save it. My teeth are mostly straight, except for the top left tooth up front. My top front teeth have been knocked out 3 times, & I just shoved them right back in! Let's talk about living arrangements. I do live in the upstairs of my parents' home in Coffeyville. Let's talk about finances. The economy is terrible here in Coffeyville! I own my car free & clear & I have zero debt. I also own stock. My income is alimony - child support = spousal support. Let's talk about how one dresses. I dress business casual to semi-formal daily. I don't dress down. I wear very little jewelry. I wear my watch & ring, plus broaches on my coats / jackets & a necklace from my best girlfriend. Let's talk about family. I'm the oldest of 4 kids. My 2 brothers & their families live here in Coffeyville. My sister & her family lives in Dewey / Bartlesville. I live with my parents here in Coffeyville. Let's talk about kids. My ex has our girls, ages 11 & 10. He has joint residential custody. They live in Overland Park. There is very little drama. I'm ok with my mate having a couple of kids and any number of teens on up. Teenagers are my favorite age group. I can't hardly wait until my girls are teenagers. My car has 3 booster seats, so I can haul your little kids safely & legally, just like I do my young nieces & nephew. I can also babysit. I have no intentions of making any more babies. Let's talk about politics. Actually, let's not. I support the President 100%, but I don't vote. I am also very pro-life. Let's leave it at that. Let's talk about TV. I really don't care about TV, but I will gladly watch whatever you like by your side, or let you be with your game or show while I do more important things, such as tucking in the kids or doing laundry. I like murder / mystery, sci-fi & game shows, plus watching movies. My ex-husband & ex-boyfriend, plus my best girlfriend, were all StarTrek fanatics. So if you like StarTrek, or even just sci-fi, I know I will like you.

5. Sexuality / Sensuality Let's talk about sex. I am perfectly willing to talk about what I enjoy sexually & what you enjoy sexually. Please don't even ask me to touch your ____ or ask if you can touch my ______. I don't care if society is changing & you want to try the goods before you buy them. I will do my best to wait until we are engaged to be married for the 2nd. base fun stuff, and sex is (IMO) for within marriage only. If you believe otherwise, please move on to the next ad. I'm not interested in a booty call. I'm absolutely not interested in co-habitation / shacking up. I prefer to be on the receiving end or equal partnership, rather than being the aggressor in the relationship. My ex & I were both virgins when we got married. This will give you a good starting point for our conversation, which is so vitally important, especially since I am intersex. Let's talk about jammies. I'm not into wearing sexy lingerie, but I'm open to you wearing whatever you like. I like t-shirt dresses & shorts myself. I am severely allergic to latex, so let's not even go there on wearing latex anything. No S&M. The bedroom is to be latex-free! Please don't ask me to swing, do a 3- or 4- some, or anything else along those lines. If you ladies reading my ad want to be my friends, well by all means, please reply! I could use a few more lady friends. If you like to get in touch with your feminine side, I'm cool by that! I'd prefer a girly man anyway! I can keep your secrets safe. I'm not into macho muscle guys anyway! I like a softer touch.

Now that we've covered the 5 points, I'd like to tell you a little bit more about myself.

Hobbies & Interests
1. I enjoy sewing crafts, such as row quilts, dog beds, & corn bags. I could make a stay-at-home business out of my sewing hobby.

2. I enjoy medical internet research. I consider medical research to be my life-long pursuit.
3. I enjoy playing card / dice / board games, such as Catan & Ticket to Ride with my extended family.

Community
1. I enjoy going to community events, such as bake sales, chicken noodle dinners, pancake feeds, salad luncheons, Dinner with the Doctor, Pretty in Pink, etc.
2. I enjoy participating in ladies religious activities, such as quilt making, Mom's 'n' Mentors, etc.

Friendships
1. I have one best girlfriend. We spend a lot of time together going out to eat, shopping, and mostly just talking. We text a lot!
2. I have lots of chat pals & email pals. I am also friends in person with a few of them.
3. My extended family members are my friends! We have lots of fun together! I'm waiting to hear from you. I'll gladly drive down there to meet you. The Tulsa metro is such a short drive away. I hardly consider that short of a drive to be long distance. Being around smoke makes me sick & I don't care for alcohol. I don't mind any if you drink socially, but please don't drink to get drunk around me or my kids. Please write back soon!

(This wouldn't be soooooo damn bad if it weren't for the pictures she included.)