The Obama Diaries

1/25/09

Dear Diary:

I've been prez for almost a week now. A WHOLE WEEK. And have I accomplished stuff that my supporters asked me to or what. Here's what I've done:

1. Closed Gitmo. The "freedom fighters" currently living there will be shipped somewhere. We don't know no where yet. I checked into Alcatraz 'cause some Congressman (Right winger of course) suggested it. I found out that it was closed in the 1960s and is now a national park. Who knew? Then I thought maybe that place where they keep Charlie Manson but I figure that'd give old Charlie a new "family."

2. Overturned Abortion Funding Ban Overseas. Nothing says "America Loves You," like federally funded abortions for poor people in 3rd world countries. Hey, it's an economic stimulus for them. Less people = less people starving. It's a win-win. Pelosi thinks we can do the same thing here.

3. Banned Torture. Oh sure, they'd cut our heads off if they got the chance but we shouldn't stoop to their level by forcing information out of them that may save American lives. We are better than they are and we will show it by treating them nicely.

4. Tried to Figure Out the Economy. It's way harder than I thought. I thought that once I took office, everyone would cheer up and be happy and have jobs and buy stuff. It hasn't worked out that way. Don't they understand that I will make everything better?

5. New Emission Standards. Oh sure the US auto industry is in the toilet but they need to make cars that go at least 35 mpg. I'm not sure how they will pay for it since they came begging to us for money. Unless, of course, we tie their hands by forcing them to agree to that before they get our cash...

6. Re-Did My Oath of Office. Thanks to the Chief Justice hosing it, I had to re-take my oath so that right-wing nut jobs don't claim I'm not really president. Then we had to re-do the inauguration 'cause a bunch of people with tickets didn't get in. I swear, the Keystone Kops are running this place.